Part I: No Man Would Get Pregnant For You.

Steven James Dixon April 19, 2011 Comments

Last week I heard three heartbreaking stories from single mothers.

Story #1 – Young Lady

“When we were 17 my boyfriend told me that he wanted me to have his baby. He said that he loved me and we would always be together. My boyfriend was kind of rough around the edges and he said that a new baby boy would represent a fresh new start for him. He would be pure and everything that was wrong in his life, he would make right in his son’s life. I really believed him. We had our baby this past April. In July he broke up with me. When he left for college last week, he said that he did not want to have anything to do with me or our baby.”

Story #2 – Single Sistah

“After three years of dating we moved in together and got engaged. We are both 35+ and having kids was important to us so we started trying. I have to admit, it was my idea about getting pregnant as soon as possible. But the only reason that I was comfortable with my decision was because he also wanted kids and didn’t have any. Well as soon as I got pregnant we started having problems. He ended up moving out. He ended up breaking off our engagement. He didn’t even come to the hospital when I gave birth to his daughter. He didn’t answer the phone because we weren’t on speaking terms. In the past three years he has seen his daughter maybe 7 times. He just got married a couple months back. I saw him at the mall with his 1-year-old daughter and with his new wife and I nearly died! I am 40 years old trying to figure out how to START dating with a kid.”

Story #3 – Grown Woman

“Shortly after we got married, my husband fathered a child with his ex-girlfriend. I stood by his side. He said that it would never happen again. Little did I know, he had already fathered a second child with a co-worker. Within the first year of our marriage he brought two children outside of our marriage into the world. On our first anniversary he convinced me to stay. Said it was a bad year. He said it could never be worse than that right? All downhill now right?

This year is worst than last year. I am pregnant and he has moved in with one of those damn baby mommas!!!”

Dating and relationships are tough these days. Today’s woman has got to be more careful. It is important that today’s woman understand that her body is her temple. I am concerned that for some reason a number of women are not fully grasping the fact that if you let some guy COME IN your temple with his soldiers then he becomes ruler of your temple. Today’s man is not making himself responsible for today’s woman. Every single day I get emails from women all across the country who have been wronged by a man. That’s not surprising right? It’s disappointing but not surprising. What may surprise you is that in nearly 75% of the cases that I learn of, if not more, the man will provide the woman with clear signs that he is either not ready for a serious relationship or that he is emotionally unstable, but the woman stays with the man all the way until the end.

For some reason, more and more these days the end is not a bad breakup, the end is a fatherless child. Some men are bad. Some men are not interested in being good husbands and fathers. A woman cannot afford to get pregnant by one of these men. Understand that I am not trying to blame the woman I am trying to explain to the woman that she is as of right now responsible for herself. I will never excuse any man of his responsibilities but who am I to try and hold a man responsible when the woman that he is having unprotected sex with does not hold him responsible.

When these soldiers marched into your body I know that it was for fun purposes but once they are in your body, it is not a game. These soldiers have orders. They have directions. They have a purpose. They are there for a cause and the effect is pregnancy. Said soldiers are not on the inside to protect and serve or to support or help. Said soldiers are inside of you so they don’t have a job! They will never pay a bill. They will never change a diaper. A chosen soldier will end up in a diaper . . . that YOU will have the change.

 

Young Lady,

Kids don’t come before marriage. Love is not a word, it is an expression. Have him show you love instead of accepting him telling it to you. In fact, no one in high school knows anything about love. All of the high schoolers who claim to be in love with someone, all of them are liars. You don’t know what you are talking about. Never have a child for your BOY-friend. Having a child has to at least be 50% your idea, actually as a single young lady, the BOY does not have a vote on what you do or don’t do with your body — your temple. Never have a child for a BOY that has to be home before the street lights come on. An 18-year BOY does not know what he is doing with his life tomorrow, let alone nine months from now.

 

Single Sistah,

Let’s see how much you really want to have kids. Here is what you do. You have a homegirl right now that will allow you to come over to her house every single day to help her with her kids. DO THAT BEFORE YOU GO GET PREGNANT! Make a commitment to be at your girl’s house every day at 6PM and stay until at least 8PM every single day. On the weekends, pick an 8-hour shift. Are you sure you want kids? Do you really know how much work it is to have a kid? At 2 AM this morning I was arguing with my 3 year old son about him sleeping in his bed and not getting in the bed with me and my wife. I was trying to explain to him at 2AM in the morning, in the dark, for the hundredth time, that this was mom and dad’s bed and that he has his own bed. This dude told me that I can go and sleep in his bed. I had a slight tone adjustment when I started to count down to the beat down. Then his mother woke up and started to look at me like “WHY ARE YOU ARGUING WITH HIM!?!?!” I looked back at her like, “I am not arguing anymore, IT’S ABOUT TO GO DOWN!!!” This dude starts crying and his mother scoops him up. He wins. Single Sistah, do you really want to face that drama by yourself? He never fights getting in his bed at 8:30PM but at 2:00AM it’s like he knows that I am sleepy and he has a better chance at winning the fight. “Not tonight Ethan! Not tonight homeboy! I will be waiting for you on the staircase. Your mother won’t hear a thing! Run-and-tell-dat-homeboy!” Single Sistah I am trying to tell you that you don’t want that drama by yourself. GET A DOG!

 

Grown Woman,

Let me apologize first. I am sorry for saying this but I have to keep it real with you here because I did not keep it real with you when we talked one on one. You cannot get pregnant for a man that has cheated on you and got two other women pregnant.You just can’t. You can’t afford that mistake. You have to protect yourself from any and all persons armed with soldiers that can change your life. To smell it he should have to have on a facemask. To touch it he needs to have on gloves similar to those ones that OJ could not fit and to enter . . . TO ENTER . . . TO ENTER HE WOULD HAVE TO HAVE A CERTIFIED CONDOM INSPECTOR ONSITE. He would have to be Denzel Washington to enter without a condom. Grown Woman, hear me when I say that it does not matter what comes out of a man’s mouth. The only thing that matters is his actions. Then your actions are determined by his actions. If he is not showing you that he wants to be with you, IT DOES NOT MATTER THAT YOU WANT TO BE WITH HIM. You can’t make a man stay. The more you try, the more he is not going to want to stay. Never compete for a husband. He is yours or he is not. All you can do is be the best woman that you can be. If that’s not good enough then he is not good enough, trust me.

I have talked to the men. Men are not going to do right because they have less to lose. If God flipped the script, and took the ability to give birth away from women and gave that responsibility to men half of the sexual activity in the world would cease by nightfall. For the most part, men don’t want to get women pregnant, but if we do we don’t have to carry the baby. The person with the most risk, the most to lose should be the most concerned about getting pregnant. I believe that condoms should be marketed to women! Women, you and only you are responsible for protecting yourself. I have actually talked to multiple women who said that they did not know if the man had a condom on or not during intercourse. There is no other act in the world where someone blindly trusts another person when they have so much to lose. I don’t let my homeboy manage my financial portfolio. I have a certified financial planner. I don’t let co-workers babysit my son. Everyone around my son I have known for years. Everyone around my son, I trust with my life and his. Any old man is not qualified or certified and you could never know a man long enough to trust him with your life unless you are married to him. When you lay down with a man and you are not in control of the safety of your body what you are really doing is giving that man the power to change the course of your life. Whether you get pregnant or not, the course of his life does not have to change. As a single mother you can still pursue and achieve all of your dreams and goals but it will be much more difficult planning for two than it is to plan for one. (Y’all know that they don’t go anywhere for at least 18 years, right?)

Stop getting pregnant. It is not cool. I am guessing that it is not fun. It is not a fad. Everyone is not doing it. I think you get a couple tax breaks but you will spend a lot more than you can claim on your taxes. There are no other benefits besides having a beautiful child. And I am not excusing men from their responsibilities . . . then again, yes I am. Men can’t get pregnant. Women, stop getting pregnant. If you are not in a stable marriage, you don’t want any soldiers in your body. Giving birth does not define you. You define you.

Comments

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  10. LS says:

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  11. Esh says:

    Whoa! I can relate. Wish this blog had been around 10 years ago. Hell who am I kidding? Not sure it would have made a difference. Today i’m a different person than I was then. I thank the bastard for changing my life forever more.

  12. The Fox! says:

    I love your blog. It is so true. I really wish there were men like you, Steve Harvey, Hill Harper, and Greg Behrendt around writing your books, and telling women these things BEFORE they made the mistakes many have made. It would have saved myself a lot of heartbreak and disappointment. You keep it real and simple. A woman can either accept this information or not. I think having great self-esteem and self-worth, while knowing how valuable you are will keep a lot of the decisions that women are making from happening. However, when you have things like fears of “the man shortage” “biological clocks ticking” and “age” to make you accept or try to keep any relationship, whether it’s good or bad; you will have these type of stories. A guy I know who wanted to form a friends with benefits relationship with me (I declined that offer) admits dating and having sex with multiple women. He tell women he’s not looking for an exclusive relationship. I was impressed that he at least told the truth and didn’t lead women on.

    What I found disturbing was he ended up getting one of them pregnant. He did not want children at this time in his life and wasn’t prepared for the child. He also stated he was not and never had been in a relationship with this woman. And he was not in love with her at all. That the pregnancy came out of the blue. This let me know that he’s out there having unprotected sex with these women, or trusting that they are on birth control. I couldn’t understand the woman he got pregnant. Because, she already had kids, and to have sex with a man she was not in a real relationship with unprotected seemed really stupid. But, some women are out there believing having a baby with a man, even if he doesn’t want one or her, might help the man “bond with THEM because of the baby.” Because, the man will be tied to them for 18 years. If the man isn’t in a position to pay child support; they believe this will make the man have to “keep them happy.” But, who would want to have a man in their life for that reason?

    He tried to get at me. But, I wasn’t trying to have a casual sex relationship. Especially, with a man that isn’t serious about relationships and isn’t using protection. Not just to keep from getting a woman pregnant. But, to keep himself from getting or spreading disease amongst all of the women he’s having sex with! So, this is a character issue for me. He doesn’t care about his own sexual health. Therefore, he wouldn’t care about mine. As much as I wanted children. I would never try to have children with a man that wasn’t ready or I wasn’t married to. Unfortunately, my unwillingness to compromise on this, has left me childless. But, I’d rather direct my love for children by volunteering to help with children who are terminally ill, or be a “Big Sister,” than to regret the decision I made. I wasn’t going to allow fear to make me settle for a man I knew was very attractive, but that was all he had going for him. I still hope and believe in one day meeting the man that truly is for me. The man that deserves me, and I, him. A man that has a plan, who desires and still believes in marriage, love, loyalty, honesty, faithfulness, and family. Again, thanks so much for all that God is using you to do through this blog and your book.

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  15. T says:

    Awesoem article!

    1. T says:

      awesome*

  16. Mamaof4 says:

    I am now expecting my first son and he was gone months ago. But I am a soldier for love who will not give up on true love for me. Ohh, it is bitter sweet.

  17. charity says:

    Your work is sent from haven, such a new breath of fresh air…. MUCH needed, especially for us ladies #keep them coming broh! Soon we’ll have the whole world full of wiser women HALLELUAH!!!! GOD bless you